When I think of you,
I feel pathetic.
I want to talk to you.
I don't want to be mean.
I don't want to tell you
how terrific it is to have what you
want.
I don't want to make things harder
And God, I know it will.
But I think of you

a lot.

You no longer make me insecure.
I don't feel threatened,
I'm not paranoid every time
your name pops up.
And so, I search for you.
I wonder,
If I made the moves..
Would you be there, and could I
count on you not to take it out
on him?

This is my apology.
For not waiting,
for not caring,
for not being fair to you.

I have been you.
And while we may have different ways
of dealing,
I know what it's like.


If you read this,
I'm just too sorry.

Am I amazing
Or just amazing in comparison?

The things that used to complete me now terrify me. Products of bliss are now things of nightmares. A flower, a flame, an electric fan. Images behind my eyes are a scattered sea of paranoia. My skin itches until I scratch it, and then I cannot stop. I look down, and my neck is red and raw.
I lower the doses of the things I need, up the load of the ones I want. A temporary distraction, an increasing frenzy of an imaginary psychosis.
Water gets replaced by an eternal thirst. Indie rock replaced by silent screams. Dark circles cloud around my eyes, my jaw cracks, my ears ring. These are all I hear.
Each of my bones snap, one by one. Like a cymbal, thunder crashing all around me -- crack, crack, crack. I twist, contort, writh in pain and no one helps. No one knows. The image in the mirror is strange and sad, I feel sick at the sight of the monster I have become.
But it wasn't always like this. My fever cooled, my eyes relaxed.. I was calm. The lights were shining bright down upon me, and I was in the dark. I lay naked among strangers, riddled with imperfections, and still I was not phased. I was so comfortable in my own skin. I was euphoric and ecstatic, nothing brought me down.
I soaked sugar cubes in something sweet, bought a one-way ticket to a foreign place. Every trip was different, but always smooth as silk.
Like a moth to the flame, the city lights drew me closer and closer. Radiohead played 11 hours on repeat, and we all drove south from there.

Nicotine nights served insomnia well, but now sleep is all that saves me from myself.


It's harder than a teenage erection to find peace in the middle of my nights. So many shitty thoughts rushing through my mind.

Oh God, how I miss those nights.
Phone calls for hours filled with
"Do you remember?"
and "I can't believe you did that.."
We dragged the same old thing out
again and again
just to feel closer,
to make up for the distance between us.
When did we get so far ahead of
ourselves?
What made us miss each other way too much
but become too busy for a simple
Hello?

There's a 5 o clock shadow in your mind
Messing with my emotions.
Clouded thoughts and
awkward tensions..
Nights out become nights in
when we're both sitting in our own heads.
It's the combination of you and me,
Baby we've created a storm.

If I should die this very moment,
I wouldn't fear.
For I've never known completeness
like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you,
Loving every breath of you.
Still my heart this moment
or it might burst.

Could we stay right here
until the end of time, until the earth stops turning?
Wanna love you til the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

All this time I loved you and never known your face
All this time I missed you and searched this human race
Here is true peace,
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs.

All I've known, all I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
All I've known, all I've done
All I've felt was leading to this.

Wanna stay right here
til the end of time, til the earth stops turning.
Wanna love you til the seas run dry.
I've found the one I've waited for.

You're so horrible in my dreams.
You're so different to anything I've ever known you to be.
You curse me.
You glare.
You hate me for the whore I am.

And I still love you so much.

I wake up crying,
And you're always there to comfort me every time.
This is why you're all I need.
This is why it's always been you.

I don't get sick of the bullshit.
I can sit on my bed for hours, staring into my own eyes and wondering.. Am I really peering at my soul? I can't see an end.. And I know I'm not this deep.
Maybe all I'm seeing is a shallow girl, glaring at herself in the mirror, questioning why there isn't more to her.
But fuck it, if I'm so skin deep then here's what I have to say about myself.

I can look really, really fucking good some days. Damn it bitch, I look better than you ever did standing in my place. Fuck you make me feel like shit, but I am so much fucking better than you. I don't know why I can never see that.





I appreciate you for what you were, and I hate you for what you are. So fuck off out of my mind, and stop making me so fucking insecure.


Just clearing my throat.

The television screams at me from the other side of the room.
Reality programs, so far from what I know the world to be.
People wearing hats to hide their inevitable premature baldness.
Thin, blonde women speaking only what is fed to them.
Rough cheeked men
With raspy voices more powerful than many of the leaders in our world today.
Is this how life is supposed to be lived?
False confidence silenced by a six figure sum?
Am I supposed to sing, dance, lose weight, win money,
Repair the damaged lines I've crossed,
Find myself amongst the shit I live in?

They're beautiful, willing creatures that shine even on their bad days.
And behind our small screens, nothing can harm them.
No one knows the meaning of reality,
Because nothing is real any more.

I never knew I was unhappy
until you made me smile.
My rusty jaw creaked as I began to laugh.
I told you,
I haven't done this for a while.

No one knows me like I do.
Yeah,
You're getting pretty fucking close.

But every lie I've ever told.
Every time I've gone to say
I love you..
But been too scared of losing you

You have no fucking clue.

Time after time I've ran from what I wanted
Scared of failing,
Scared of breaking down.
I used to be so strong,
So in control.

God, when you came I felt so powerful again.
Nothing stopped me,
Nothing made me weak.
But you don't know me like I know myself.
You don't deserve to,
You're better than that.

You're better than the constant insecurities.
Paranoia.
Dependence.
Reassurances.

You're a little bit like me,
But about a hundred billion times better.

Tonight I went to the jetty.
The water seemed warm, then again
I only dipped my fingers in
once.
It was calm, and still, and
quiet and peaceful.

All I could hear was my own happiness.

You sat beside me,
we drank Red Bull and kissed until
Our lungs gave out.

You lifted my shirt,
I felt silly under the harsh,
yellow lights.
I felt like someone was watching,
but I was comfortable.
I knew that that someone was you.

I want to preserve you.
Keep things just
the way they are.
But being completely yours

Is the only thing I can remember
Ever wanting.

Something really frightening happened to me this morning.
The same rush of fear and adrenaline soared through me, as when you hear terrible news. Like someone has died, or you have a black spot on your brain.
First, your mouth goes dry. Your ears block up, you don't want to listen to a single word anyone has to say. The room goes dark, you can only concentrate on what is directly in front of you.
All you can hear is the intense beating of your own heart, painfully loud rips of your lungs- inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale; the muffled sounds of people trying to reach you in the distance.

And you manage to find a distraction through your tears.

This morning, I couldn't find a distraction. There was nothing to distract me. The only other person in the house was on the phone talking about mangroves, and I'd done everything I wanted to do this morning already. I was trapped within my own insecurities. Shit. I have no way out.

Everything came out at once. After biting my tongue for what seemed like forever, everything rolled off it like smooth, cold ice. Each word I spoke, I regretted immensely. But stopping seemed pointless. I was halfway gone to complete insanity. And rationality was over the fucking hills and far, far away by now.

Oh, God. What have I said? What did I ask for, knowing that all this paranoid nonsense was tapping on the back of my teeth? I didn't care. I wanted to find out. I wanted to see what you thought, what you said, what you needed to say. I wanted to hear it from you, and I don't even know why. Because after I knew, it killed me.

You broke down my defences. I took a massive blow to the back of the head, and on impact, vomited up everything I had tried so hard to keep down. I'm striving to be more than you, to be better for him, to be exactly what I really am without the falling back.



The truth hurts, and my truth hurts me. I am scared of being scared. I am tired, and I am foolish. But I am more than capable of loving someone more than I ever loved myself, and with my entire heart, soul, body, mind. I will not do him wrong. I will not cause him pain. I will not let him down. In my dreams, I will never stand a chance against you. But in my mind, I will always hope that I am wrong.

People aren't supposed to move on that quickly.

Being with you makes me the happiest I've been in so fucking long. For real. No matter what you do, I could never stop loving you. I've loved you far too long.

But there is no way that your heart could entirely belong to me, is there? I read what you write, and it reminds me of how much you downplay what she really was to you. 2 years went by, countries were just paths you crossed to see her, you lived and breathed and changed to suit what she needed you to be. Then in the week that she left you loved me so much more.

People aren't supposed to move on that quickly. And I don't know if I can bear the backlash.