Something really frightening happened to me this morning.
The same rush of fear and adrenaline soared through me, as when you hear terrible news. Like someone has died, or you have a black spot on your brain.
First, your mouth goes dry. Your ears block up, you don't want to listen to a single word anyone has to say. The room goes dark, you can only concentrate on what is directly in front of you.
All you can hear is the intense beating of your own heart, painfully loud rips of your lungs- inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale; the muffled sounds of people trying to reach you in the distance.

And you manage to find a distraction through your tears.

This morning, I couldn't find a distraction. There was nothing to distract me. The only other person in the house was on the phone talking about mangroves, and I'd done everything I wanted to do this morning already. I was trapped within my own insecurities. Shit. I have no way out.

Everything came out at once. After biting my tongue for what seemed like forever, everything rolled off it like smooth, cold ice. Each word I spoke, I regretted immensely. But stopping seemed pointless. I was halfway gone to complete insanity. And rationality was over the fucking hills and far, far away by now.

Oh, God. What have I said? What did I ask for, knowing that all this paranoid nonsense was tapping on the back of my teeth? I didn't care. I wanted to find out. I wanted to see what you thought, what you said, what you needed to say. I wanted to hear it from you, and I don't even know why. Because after I knew, it killed me.

You broke down my defences. I took a massive blow to the back of the head, and on impact, vomited up everything I had tried so hard to keep down. I'm striving to be more than you, to be better for him, to be exactly what I really am without the falling back.



The truth hurts, and my truth hurts me. I am scared of being scared. I am tired, and I am foolish. But I am more than capable of loving someone more than I ever loved myself, and with my entire heart, soul, body, mind. I will not do him wrong. I will not cause him pain. I will not let him down. In my dreams, I will never stand a chance against you. But in my mind, I will always hope that I am wrong.